I try to write music about things that really matter to me in a way that isn’t preachy. But that’s really hard to do in this day and age when cancel culture is rampant and everybody’s got an opinion. Honestly, I love sharing my experience and the knowledge I’ve gained through it with people I’m close to, but sharing it with the general public feels almost presumptuous. It also feels scary. I’m afraid of backlash. I’m afraid of what people might say. So I think that for me it’s easier to do it through song rather than getting on Instagram and spouting a bunch of stuff people may or may not want to hear.
So I wrote a bunch of songs about things that matter to me and Fortress is the first. Fortress is about vulnerability. I’ve always been someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I’ve never been that concerned with getting hurt because getting hurt always gave me ways to grow and things to write songs about. I always thought it was better to take a risk and speak what’s on my heart than to lock it up and throw away the key. For me the risk is always less than the reward, so I've always put myself out there. I’m specifically talking about romantic relationships, but I think this can apply to any kind of relationship too.
Most of the time I skip the smalltalk—even with strangers—and go straight to the heart of the matter. Sometimes that means I’m tearing up on a first date, but that’s fine with me. That way the person knows exactly who I am and exactly what they’re getting themselves into.
I guess I want to take some time to think about and share moments in which being vulnerable has really helped me. I’ll never forget the moment I saw the light at the end of the tunnel of my experience with anxiety. My father had died some years before, and when it happened, all of a sudden, I started having insane amounts of debilitating anxiety. It affected my sleep and my relationships, my ability to get on stage, and honestly my ability to go anywhere or do anything.
A few days after my father’s death on my birthday, in San Francisco, with my mom
I spent a few years dealing with anxiety pretty privately. For a few years after my father died, I isolated from the rest of the world by choice. I felt the grief was too big for anyone to possibly hold space for, too big to lift off my own shoulders and onto anyone else's. So I just stopped talking about it.
I’m not sure what shifted, but at some point I just decided I would start being open about it again. I was on a date with a man also in the music industry, explaining to him (somewhat abashedly) why I hadn't been on a stage in a while. He goes, "Oh my friend had that exact same experience: her father died and she had massive anxiety. Then she went to a hypnotherapist and now she’s totally cured." At that point I would’ve done almost anything to feel better. So I embarked upon the journey of finding a hypnotherapist.
Though it didn’t fully cure me, it helped so much, and it was the true beginning of my deep dive into the world of better managing anxiety. If I hadn't shared my experience with anxiety to my date, I would have never received the wisdom of his friend's experience. Since then, I’ve been on my own years-long journey with anxiety, and have an understanding and acceptance of it I could’ve never dreamed of having 6 years ago. And I’m relieved to say that day to day, I have almost no anxiety. Now, it’s my turn to share what I’ve learned with people who are suffering, so that my experience can in turn help them (but that’s a whole different journal entry—comment below if you’re interested!).
I connect so much more deeply with people in my life by sharing my own experiences and struggles. We talk about mental health. We talk about setting boundaries. We talk about how to take care of ourselves and others in an increasingly isolating world. We talk about how to cultivate better relationships. Talking about the real things of life brings me so much closer to the people around me.
I’m grateful to have gathered so many pearls of wisdom from others by way of being vulnerable, and I hope to continue to have the privilege to help others in this same way. ‘Fortress’ is about leveling the walls we’ve built for ourselves, letting others in, and finding connection amidst the chaos of life. I hope we can all find our way into that open-hearted space. <3